Jokes a Day !

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class.
Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"
Little Johnny waves his hand, "Me, miss, me, me!"
Teacher says "All right, little Johnny, what is your multi- syllable word?"
Little Johnny says "Mas-tur-bate."
Teacher smiles and says "Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful."
Little Johnny says "No, miss, you're thinking of a blowjob. I'm talking about a wank." 

Dear God in Heaven . . .

Sometimes I think I just have shit for brains, you know it? Or, to quote someone near and dear to my heart: I'm  just "eat up with the dumbass".

Damn it all to hell, anyway. In a burst of intelligence (snicker) I released the next two days of jokes. Instead of them being leased when they're supposed to, I sent 'em now.

Shit.

So, forgive me, but I'm going to send 'em again when they're SUPPOSED to go. Yeah, you'll get them twice.

Once now and once when you were supposed to get the damned things.

Aaaaarrrgh.

Ok, here's a bonus joke for your trouble:

Several years ago, the Catholic Church required women to wear a head covering in order to enter the sanctuary. One Sunday a lady arrived without her head covering. The priest informs her that she cannot enter without it.

A few moments later, the lady reappears, wearing her blouse tied to her head. The shocked priest says,
"Madam, I cannot allow you to enter this holy place without your wearing a blouse."
"But Father, I have a divine right," she informs.
"Yes, I see. And your left one isn't bad either, but you still must wear a blouse to enter this church."
(Sorry for the screwups . . . Ray)


Two morons are trying to measure a telephone pole. They keep trying to climb it and keep sliding down.

Along comes this really big, musclebound shmuck and says, "Hey, what are you guys doing?" The two idiots say, "We're trying to measure the height of this pole."

The schmuck wraps his arms around the pole, pulls it out of the ground, lays it down and measures it. Then he picks it up, puts it back in the ground, says "40 feet" and walks away.

The first moron says to the other, "What a stupid idiot - we wanted the *height*, not the width." 

A magician was on stage doing his act, when he called for a volunteer from the audience. A man volunteered & went up on stage. The magician told him to pick up the 16 lb. sledgehammer that was on stage next to a cement block & break the block apart with the sledgehammer, so the audience would know the sledgehammer was real.

So, the man swung the sledgehammer with all his might & shattered the cement block. The magician now told  the man to hit him square in the face with the sledgehammer. Horrified, the man said, "No way. It'll probably kill you". The magician insisted that the man hit him in the face, saying, "I'll be fine...I promise you...go ahead."
"Well,", the man replied, "OK here goes."

Again, the man swung the sledgehammer and aimed it at the magicians face. The result was very bloody. The magicians nose was crushed, teeth fell out, blood everywhere. After 6 months in a coma in the hospital, the magician was lying in the hospital bed. One eye opened, the fingers flexed a bit, the other eye opened, and the magician sat straight up and said, "Ta-da!" 


In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a ravishing young girl. The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic.

Then, the young girl proposes, "If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs." The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet.

And then the girl pulls us her dress a bit to show her legs.

Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I'll show you my thighs," and men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full.

Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats.

Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis."

All three fork over the money. The girl then turned to the window and points outside at a building they're passing. "See there in the distance. That's the hospital where I had it done!" 


Three nuns passed every day through a street that led them from Church to a Reformatory. They noticed a parrot that stood at the entrance of a big residential house. Every time they passed in front of that house, the bird would pronounce three sequential colors.

One day, they heard "yellow, blue, black." One of the nuns noticed that those colors perfectly matched the colors of their underwear. She mentioned her discovery to the other two nuns, but both were reluctant to believe that could be possible.

The next day, they all wore black underwear and passed in front of the house, and very precisely the parrot spoke, "black, black, black." Hearing that, the three nuns were astonished!!. One of the nuns spoke up: "Girls, tomorrow we are going to trick that bird."

Saying that, she recommended that the next day, none of them should be wearing any underwear under their vestments. Respecting their agreement, the next day they wore no underwear, and proceeded to pass in front of the parrot's house.

They peeked at the bird. At the beginning, the parrot looked a bit puzzled, he swung back and forth on the cane he was perched on.

Then, after a while, the Parrot spoke: "Straight, Straight, Curly!" 


Betty Boop wrote her husband and she gets up at 5 a.m. in the morning for work. He has his coffee and I read the paper. This morning there was an article in the newspaper about scientists finding a 65-million-year-old fossilized piece of T. Rex dung as big as a jumbo loaf of bread in southwestern Saskatchewan, Canada. I said to him, "Hey Butch, they found dinosaur shit in Canada." He answered back, "Really, was it fresh?" And you know, he's not even a blonde or named Judi. 

Rod told me about his 70 year old mother. Just before she was to come to visit us, I asked her to check out a new aviation museum near home. After she arrived to visit, I asked her what the museum was like. "Oh, it was a wonderful museum. Lots of airplanes, things from the war, pictures, people's medals, things to buy, and they even had an ejaculation seat." 

Joe said at a long-ago Halloween, I stopped off at my sailing club to attend the Halloween party. As I arrived, another member, Charlie, was just showing up also. Neither of us realized it was a costume party until we got to the door. The doorkeeper informed us that no one would be admitted without a costume. Charlie was turning to leave, when I asked, "What do you mean, we can't get in without a costume? We ARE in costume. I'M CHARLIE! HE'S JOE! We've come dressed as each other. I can't believe our costumes are so good that  you were completely fooled!" 

Debbie said she took her 3 year old granddaughter out for ice cream. My 14 year old asked CeeCee (my gd) what she wanted. CeeCee said, "I want banilla!" My 14 year old said, "Honey, it's *V*anilla. V not B." CeeCee tried it again but it came out VaBanilla. After some coaxing CeeCee finally said, "Vvvvvvanilla." My 14 year old said, "Yes! Now, tell me what kind of ice cream you want!" CeeCee said, "I think I want chocolate." 

Kim said her 6 year old daughter were watching her son's baseball game for awhile before we went to the van because it was getting cool. My son came and got in the van and said he blew the game because of a missed run. As soon as we got home, my daughter went running out of the van screaming as loud as possible to my husband: "Cory blew the whole TEAM!" 

A veterinarian surgeon had had a hell of a day, but when he got home from tending to all the sick animals his wife was waiting with a long cool drink and a romantic candle-lit dinner, after which they had a few more drinks and went happily to bed.

At about 2:00 in the morning, the phone rang. "Is this the vet?" asked an elderly lady's voice.

"Yes, it is", replied the vet, "Is this an emergency?"

"Well, sort of", said the elderly lady, "there's a whole bunch of cats on the roof outside making a terrible noise mating and I can't get to sleep. What can I do about it?"

There was a sharp intake of breath from the vet, who then patiently replied "Open the window and tell them they're wanted on the phone"

"Really?" said the elderly lady, "Will that will that stop them?"

"Should do," said the vet, "- IT STOPPED ME!" 


The hotel Astor had hired a new bus driver and instructed him to meet all incoming trains and announce at the depot in a very loud voice, "Free bus to the hotel Astor!" On the way to the station on his first trip her kept repeating to himself, "Free bus to the hotel Astor, Free bus to the hotel Astor," until he memorized it letter perfect.

Upon his arrival at the station, however, he became confused at all the noise and hub bub and started shouting as follows. "Free hotel at the bust your Astor, I mean, Free ass at the Hotel Bastard, I mean, Freeze your ass at the Hotel Buster, I mean Squeeze your bust at the Hotel Faster, I mean, Bust your ass at the Hotel Freezer, Oh shit...take a cab." 


A young, freshly minted lieutenant was sent to Bosnia as part of the peace keeping mission. During a briefing on land mines, the captain asked for questions.

Our intrepid solder raised his hand and asked, "If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?"

"Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area." 


A young lady had just visited her doctor and he informed her that she was pregnant. The young lady had been married for ten years and had wanted a baby very badly. As she sat on the bus, on her way home, she felt that she had to share the good news with someone. The gentleman sitting next to her seemed as good as anyone to share the good news with.

Sir, she said, I just received the best news you could ever imagine. I have to share it with someone or I'll bust. She told him the news that the doctor had told her about being pregnant.

The man shared her enthusiam as he shared his expierence. He said he was a farmer and he had trouble with his hens laying eggs. He stated that he went out to the hen house one morning and all of his hens had layed eggs. He was so happy. he added, "but confidentially, I changed cocks."

The newly pregnant woman responded, "Confidentially, me too." 


Joe is having a drink in his local bar when in walks this gorgeous woman. Joe, not being too shy, goes up and sits next to her. He buys her a drink and then another and then another. After this and the accompanying small-talk, Joe asks her back to his place for a "good time."

"Look," says the woman, "what do you think I am? I don't turn into a slut after 3 drinks, you know!"

"OK," replies Joe, "so how many does it take?" 


Some women are gathered and the subject of conversation turns to sex and then birth control. The first woman says "We're Catholic so we can't use it."

The next woman says "I am too but we use the rhythm method."

The third woman says "We use the bucket and saucer method."

"What the heck is the bucket and saucer method?", the others ask.

"Well, I'm five foot eleven... and my husband is five foot two. We make love standing up with him standing on a bucket, and when his eyes get big as saucers I kick the bucket out from under him." 


JAD: "I want a number 2 combo, pickle, lettuce, mustard, cheese and extra cheese with a Coke to drink."
Dipshit: "Yu wan too o'dem?"
JAD: "No. I want a number 2 combo."
DS: "Yu wan a dubble?"
JAD: "Yeah. Pickle, lettuce, mustard, extra cheese. Coke."
DS: "Wha yu wan on dat?"
JAD: (with mouth wide open) "Jesus -- didn't you just see my lips moving? *Pickle*. *Lettuce*. *Mustard*.
*Extra Cheese*. Coke to drink."
DS: "Iz dat wha yu wan on da dubble?"
JAD: (mouth still open in disbelief) "Yeah -- except for the Coke."
DS: "Wha yu wan to drinc?"
JAD: "Holy shit. You have to be kidding me. Coke. Coca Cola. Coke."
DS: "Yu wan friez?"
JAD: (looking around to see if I'm on a hidden camera or something) "Fries come WITH the combo, right???"
DS: "Eef yu wan dem."

She pushed some buttons on her little keypad. I was reminded of the monkeys they sent up in space that were trained to push buttons. I wondered if we could find those trainers again. Oh yes -- they screwed up the order. Wasn't one bit of pickle, lettuce, mustard, or cheese on that damned hamburger.